Empathy is a word we use often, but what does it really mean when we say we are empathetic? Many of us believe we have empathy, but sometimes we are only repeating phrases or actions that society expects. If we want to impact our families, workplaces, and communities positively, we need to look at our own empathy with honesty. Authentic empathy is about truly feeling with others, not just saying the right words at the right time.
In our experience, seeing ourselves clearly is no easy task. The modern world rewards quick reactions rather than deep understanding. However, the quality of our empathy shapes the quality of our relationships. If our empathy is real, it brings people closer and builds trust. If it is not, it can leave others feeling alone—even in a crowded room. We have put together seven ways to test whether our empathy is genuine or just for show.
1. Do we listen with our full attention?
Listening is the first step in empathy. But it is more than hearing words; it means giving another person our full focus. That means letting go of distractions like our phones or our own inner commentary, and offering silence when someone needs it.
- Do we really let the other person finish, or do we plan our response while they talk?
- How often do we look for signs of emotion, not just listen for information?
- Do people feel heard after talking with us, or do they often withdraw?
Genuine empathy begins when we listen deeply and resist the urge to control the conversation.
2. Can we sit with discomfort?
Empathy often asks us to be with difficult emotions—sadness, frustration, even anger. Real empathy does not try to fix, rush, or minimize them.
We have all caught ourselves saying things like, "It could be worse," or "You’ll be fine." These phrases are usually meant to comfort, but they often signal that we are uncomfortable with another person’s pain.
Empathy grows when we stop running from uncomfortable emotions.
3. Are our responses centered on others or ourselves?
Often, when someone shares their feelings, we respond with our own stories. It is easy to say, "That happened to me, too," and then take over the conversation.
While relating to others is human, authentic empathy means making space for another’s story. This does not mean we should not relate, but rather that we should check our impulse to shift the focus.
- Do we ask follow-up questions, or do we redirect the talk back to us?
- Are we comfortable letting the other person stay at the center?
When our responses show curiosity rather than self-reference, our empathy rings truer.
4. Do we move beyond words to action?
Saying, "I’m sorry you’re going through this," is a good start, but words alone are not always enough. In our view, real empathy becomes visible through what we do.
Sometimes, action is offering specific support; other times, it is respecting boundaries. It might mean checking in after a hard day or quietly doing something helpful without expecting praise.
- Do we follow through when people trust us with their pain?
- Are our offers of help clear and practical?
Empathy without action often feels empty to those who need it most.
5. Do we recognize our own emotional triggers?
Sometimes, another person’s pain brings up our own. If we have not dealt with our own emotions, we might react defensively, withdraw, or give advice that is disconnected from what the other person needs.
Authentic empathy requires self-awareness. When we are honest with ourselves about our limits and triggers, we prevent those from getting in the way of real connection.
- Can we tell when our own old wounds are being activated?
- Are we willing to pause and reflect before we react?
Self-knowledge is the anchor that allows empathy to be stable and genuine.
6. Do we respect boundaries?
Compassion does not mean ignoring our own needs or the boundaries of others. True empathy respects when someone does not want to talk or when we ourselves need time. In fact, over-involvement can overwhelm ourselves and the person involved.
- Do we check before offering advice or a hug?
- Are we okay if someone is not ready to share?
Empathy thrives when everyone feels their limits will be honored.
7. Are we the same in private as in public?
In our research, we have noticed that real empathy does not change when no one is watching. It is not about appearing kind, but about being kind.
When we are empathetic only because it looks good, people sense the performance. But when we show small, unnoticed acts of care, our empathy shows its true color.
- Do we show compassion when there is no social reward?
- Can we be empathetic to those who disagree with us, or only to those who agree?
Authentic empathy is quiet, steady, and visible in both words and deeds.
Conclusion: Growing real empathy one choice at a time
Empathy is not an achievement; it is a practice. We all struggle at times. What matters most is our willingness to look honestly at how we respond to others. Authentic empathy is a path, not a destination—it grows stronger every time we choose to be present, stay curious, move beyond words, respect boundaries, and act with integrity.
By asking ourselves these seven questions, we build not just better relationships, but a more connected world. When empathy is real, it is felt even in silence.
Frequently asked questions
What is real empathy?
Real empathy is the ability to truly feel and understand what another person is experiencing, without judgment and without trying to fix their feelings. It shows up in our listening, our willingness to sit with uncomfortable emotions, and our actions to support someone in ways that matter for them, not just for us.
How to tell if empathy is fake?
Fake empathy often sounds right but feels shallow. If someone always relates everything back to themselves, offers quick solutions to shut down emotions, or acts caring only when others are watching, their empathy may not be genuine. Real empathy is consistent, non-judgmental, and present even without recognition.
Why does empathy sometimes feel forced?
Empathy might feel forced when we are uncomfortable with strong emotions—ours or others', when we are trying to fulfill a social expectation, or when we just don’t know what to say. Often, our fear of making a mistake pushes us to act inauthentically. Honest empathy accepts not always knowing the perfect response.
How can I improve my empathy?
You can improve empathy by practicing deep, distraction-free listening, noticing and managing your own emotions, and respecting the boundaries of yourself and others. Asking thoughtful questions and showing that you care through small, meaningful actions helps build real empathy over time.
Are there tests to measure empathy?
There are questionnaires and assessments designed to offer insight on empathetic tendencies, but they might not capture the full reality of how empathy works in daily life. The best indicator of empathy is found in how people feel after interacting with you—heard, respected, and cared for.
